Saturday, March 30, 2019

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Un-answered prayer

I have never been good at praying for myself - never asking for a wining lottery ticket or even healing from cancer - even if I try I find the selfishness of it a hindrance to formulating the words. Praying for others is easy, and rarely even requires any thought, an almost instinctive reaction to someone struggling or suffering.

I think this is why I find God’s inability to answer my simple daily prayer, one I repeat dozens if not hundreds of times a day - “please let me die”

No, not asking for riches or a wife or a new job or car, just that the mistake of my birth to finally be corrected. I doubt there is a person who has ever met this worthless old man that truly believes I belong here or that I have ever enhanced a life (hindered or hurt, but never has a person been made better for knowing me).

“Please let me die” a simple request to an uncaring deity.


Monday, January 14, 2019

Wrestling with God

There once was a time in which I thought it would be the greatest thing to be able to finally embrace our creator, but more and more these days I just wanna kick his butt . . . .that this is the best he could come up with, that there would be so much suffering at his hand, all so he could have nice little pet humans . . .ugly and vile.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Double Merle Predestination

Of Calvin's many distortions, his most famous was the ridiculous, and fairly Gnostic, idea of "double predestination". That God picked from the beginning the saved and the damned, and that nothing a person did could change their eternal outcome . . . .basically saying our earthly life is meaningless.

Naturally, this idea goes against that of a loving or merciful God.

But is the reality any more evidence of a loving God?

I was thinking of a terrible practice in dog breeding, specifically that of creating Double Merles. This double merle gene breeding can create absolutely beautiful dogs, with the majority of a litter sadly also born blind or deaf or worse (often they are just merely destroyed).

This vile practice of creating a litter in the hopes of keeping one or two reminds me a little too much of how we were made. That God in His infinite intellect decided that it was worth it to Him to create a species that He would inevitably have to destroy, or damn, much of . . . .that He couldn't come up with a better plan and decided to proceed anyway is to me as vulgar as the double merle breeding.

While I am not God, I must say if I had the choice to create a race knowing I would haver to destroy some, vs just not, I would have chosen the latter.

Monday, December 31, 2018

God is . . .


God is . . .  I think atheism is rather foolish, as the evidence for a creator far outweighs any against. Protestantism too is rather idiotic, as all the various versions claim to be bible based yet generally go against the Bible in their ever changing theology(s). Catholicism is the only form of Christianity that aligns with both scripture and history, although it forces people to go against their Hollywood based beliefs.
Islam is starting to make more sense, as it’s god is not one of love, but merely the creator with fairly arbitrary teachings.
Spending time with my sister who has Downs, as well as the disabled men at the house in Millersville, has made me realize that the creator is a bit of an a-hole. I have heard many explanations for why a person with various disabilities are created, and in many ways it goes against the teaching on out developing our souls during life. These lives are not developing anything, and while they may teach us how to care for others, it really shows them as being mere pawns in god’s plan . . . Who else among us are mere pawns? 
That this is the best an all knowing god could come up with is feeling more ridiculous every day.

So while I accept that there is a Creator, I no longer accept that love or reason is it’s core.

Thursday, December 27, 2018

Food for Worms

Sadly just realized that the cancer has taken away the only good thing that could have come out of my life, as now even most of my organs won't be used when I die, although I guess I can still be used as a cadaver for research.
as useless in death as in life

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Homeless like Jesus?

Homeless like Jesus is what I keep trying to tell myself on this my last day with a home.

Went to local gas station to buy a cup of coffee (already threw my coffee maker in the trash with the rest of my stuff), and some of the regulars were talking about what they'd do if they won the lottery - cars, house, an island - and one said to me "how 'bout you?"

I laughed at the absurdity of his timing and replied

"just be happy to not have to live in my car, heck, and maybe become a Deacon and help others without a home . . . but yeah, a new car would be nice too"

guessing they are still shaking their heads, but hopefully they might be thankful tonight for their own roof and family and job and those other things folks take for granted that losers like me don't/won't ever have

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Mom to the rescue

While I know that the HPV cancer was my punishment and/or penance for not remaining chaste many years ago when I was engaged, it doesn’t stop me from being a lil’ angry at a God who seems to like to kick me when I’m down . . . Kick, punch, spit on . . . It’s obvious He doesn’t like this worthless ol’ butthead, as I feel like the mouse the cat spends all day slowly ripping apart instead of killing outright.

But in any family, it’s nice to have a Mother who’s always their to listen and comfort, especially when we aren’t on speaking terms with our dad or siblings. Mom might not be able to change dad’s punishment/anger, but she’s there to stop the crying after we get back from the wood shed. Even on the days it feels God’s ears are As deaf as He made my own mother’s , I still know Mary is listening, and hopefully asking for clemency.

This new perspective, and added, unorthodox, reason to be thankful for Christ’s gift of a new mother almost makes it worth the hell I am enduring.

 I don’t blame God for His contempt for me, as it is one of the few universal opinions I agree with, but I still can’t forgive Him for not allowing me to die. . .for this continued cable TV version of JOB.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Body and Soul

Will gladly take cancer of the body
over cancer of what’s left of my soul
. . . . Oh angel of death please come soon!


Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Forgo Treatment/Embrace Heaven

I still haven't found a new job, lost my car insurance, and will lose my vehicle in a week, my house in a month.

A tip, if you are single and in your 50s and get cancer, just let it take you - the dying isn't any more painful than the treatment, and at the end you may get heaven instead of this hell.

prayin' for a heart attack or the cancer to return


Wednesday, March 7, 2018

True change vs. worldly trend

The media or Hollywood or this talking head or that - demands change in the church, but they do not understand that we are the church of change!

Through the church a sinner can change into a Saint, changes one who takes into one who gives, through the church the hopeless change into the hopeful and through the church the unlovable change into the loved.

For we ARE the church of change, but they are the church of trend.

Friday, February 16, 2018

The choice is love

A wonderful Story of loving, of adoption as all of of are adopted, and a campaign to offset the many expenses - please give what you can, and maybe a little more (O:

Thursday, November 2, 2017

A Walking Proof

Will be creating a NEW blog to focus completely on, what I hope is, God's mission for me now, to show the extensive damage which has come from our contraceptive culture.

The cancer was caused by HPV, a virus that even my doctors make the defeatist comment "oh, everyone has it by now" instead of maybe actually admitting that casual sex is a lie straight outta hell. Sure the docs and media want folks to get a vaccination, because it is unimaginable to them that people live lives of chastity, even though it was only fifty years ago we could count the number of STDs on one hand, whereas now there are over 30.

Not only do I have to wonder now if the cancer will return, but also which of my friends or family will be the next to go through this.


Friday, September 1, 2017

All things New


I have mentioned the medieval torture device I get to wear as I am strapped down for 10 minutes during treatment 5 days a week, and my bizarre notion to want to not only keep it, but turn it into art and frame it.

the chemo causes me to have a bit of insomnia, which has actually produced some pretty clever ideas , with one being the "how" of decorating this thing which is, God willing, saving my life.

I am going to take photos of all the incredibly wonderful staff who has been part of my treatment and then decoupage the photos onto the masque. So instead of the torture device, I will see, and can remember to pray for, the folks who have given me such great and compassionate care.