Saturday, January 11, 2014

ER visits, Faux Heart Attacks, and the Return of the Musical Monk

I was talking with a customer the other day, and started to feel both a bit flushed and dizzy. I also noticed a lil' tightness I had been feeling in my upper chest had started to intensify as it centered over my heart. It started to feel as if a large weight was pushing on my chest.

As usual for my type of stupidity, I continued to work through the day, and instead of hospital, I ended up at home with the hope the pressure would subside after laying down a bit. . . it didn't, so I went down to Frederick Memorial and was soon hooked up to all kinds of fun machines (by one of the nicest and most professional staffs I have ever encountered).

Thankfully, all of the tests came back negative, and it seems the heart attack will have to wait until I get the bill (O:

Why am I babbling about this if it was nothing but a lil' damaged muscle?

See, pretty much since leaving NoBe I have had a fairly constant ending to my bedtime prayer
"Please Lord, let me not wake in the morning"

Being now 50, with ALS and no real future other than a wheel chair and assisted living, I have fallen into a very private hell of self pitty, and worse. I know that our Lord loves me, but the knowledge that I will die without a human loving me is a very hard thing to live with . . . granted, I have the full knowledge there is little about me to like, let alone love.

My illness and the death sentence that comes with it, is kinda like knowing there is some maniacal killer out there coming for you, and you have no way to stop him, and no knowledge of when he'll arrive . . . so the stress of waiting starts you trying to find him and get it over with. Mind you, not suicidal, but just oh so ready to leave this place where I never really belonged anyway.

wah, wah, wah, poor lil' me

Like you imaginary reader, God had thankfully had enough, and decided to give me a taste of what I thought I wanted, as me thinks it was his hand pushing on my heart.

He wasn't trying to stop it, but trying to remind me that it was there and that it was His.

I was not put here to be a Father or a Husband

I was not put here to be successful or rich

I was not even put here to be loved

I WAS put here TO love, to show His love, to share His love!
and until I got sick and so full of pride (which self pity really is) I was actually pretty good at that (by His grace).

While I take comfort that many old testament prophets also asked God to take their life, I take greater comfort that He always said "No!" and had them go on to do great things for Him, and for love of Him.

Dear God please forgive me for ever forgetting the so great gift of my life, and my life with the knowledge of You - for that is a gift so many will go to their graves without (but I pray that You use me to decrease that number a bit).

I am not here to be loved, I am here to love, and I better get back to work!

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