Saturday, April 7, 2007

I must admit, that although we are about to celebrate the magnificence of our Lord's Resurrection, I am selfishly a wee bit sad. Last year I shared most of Holy Week , including the Easter Vigil welcoming this silly man/boy into the Catholic Church, with the woman I was hoping to marry.

Originally I had planned to propose to her just after my confirmation, uniting two wonderful events into what I thought would be the best day, up to that point, of my life. Instead I chose to honor her, by holding to the one year time table she had asked for (dating only 8 months at this point, although I knew I wished to be her husband even before our first "date"), so kept silent the desire of my heart.

She is the person who taught me about Eucharistic Adoration, and who first brought me to do the Stations of the Cross. I prayed my first Rosary holding her hand, and still nightly use the Scriptural Rosary book she gave me our first week together. At the hospital bed of my dying mother, she stood behind me the first time I knelt and asked our Blessed Lady for prayer. We talked of the constipated monk that was the start of the Reformation, of adulterous kings and humble saints, the sacrifices of missionaries vs. the excess of DC living, and where the heck we fit into it all. In all this, I am thankful God loaned me this wonderfully intelligent woman for a brief time, and I continue to pray for her everyday.

Sadly, being a once annulled and devout Catholic, she wanted a written guarantee from me and God, that our life together would be "perfect". Needless to say, trying to give her that almost landed me in the hospital (or at least on Dr. Phil), until that prayerful day I remembered that I do in fact "rock" (somewhere along the way I had forgotten this), that I knew in my heart what a great husband I would be (sorry ladies , not taking resumes, if ever, until 2008), and that married life is very messy (we just help each other through the muck, on our way to Heaven).

Ending with several months of flip-flopping, and the buying (and returning) of two engagement rings, I realized that I was doomed to only be viewed as a perpetual "boyfriend", and so, with a heavy heart, I walked away. Almost nine months later, I don't really miss the indecisive wannabe girlfriend, but oh, how I do so miss the true and pure friendship that was the spark to the ill-fated romance.

I rejoice in the day, when we are reunited to sing together before our Lord in Heaven.
The very God, who today, takes hold of both our empty hands.


UltraCrepidarian said...

Wow man, that's hard. I don't know how well I'd have taken this if I was you.

I mean, one experience like that and your fear of the whole marriage thing could be just as great as hers.

I mean, the breakup is the right move. Either she wants what you want, or she doesn't. A woman who wants a perpetual boyfriend is not the one you want to be with, if you've decided what you want is marriage.

"All or nothing at all" is the way love goes, in this man's heart at least, and in the heart of the woman who is right for you, she should be wanting the same thing.

My heart goes out to you this easter.


Michael K. "Rose" McCleary said...

Thanks!, a Blessed Easter to you as well.

and yeah, that year coulda scarred me a bit, and with that thought I leave the idea of dating alone for a year, in fear that I might inflict my hurt onto another, and to discern if God has other plans . . .and He always does (O: