A little while ago, an old friend upon learning of my new faith , said that she too had found an inner strength, but that she knew it came from her "self". This of course made me a bit sad for her, but also for the millions of other comfortable people out there, who may not ever embrace God's love.
As I thought this over, I realized that I sometimes talk too much about what God has done in my life, and the amazing transformation that allows me to see myself, and others, in dignity and love.While this is very important, I forget that it wasn't the promise of this that first brought me to my knees, but was in fact "Veritas", Truth.
Although I felt Christ knocking on my heart's door for a long time, He in fact entered through the over IQ'd lump of flesh I call a brain. It was an intellectual decision to first embrace my need for salvation, and in turn my Savior. A decision I thought about, read about, and yes, prayed about for over a Year and a half before that glorious day where I first said the words "Jesus, I know who you are, and what you did for me. I am sorry for the things I've done, and I am Yours now", (the nine year anniversary of that will be this Good Friday).
As someone who had, and to some degree always will, suffer from depression, I was not about to make a decision this big, based on the "misty" emotions I had never learned to control or understand. Since that day, even when "feelings" seemed to point to the truth, I still use my noggin and go to the Word, the catechism, a priest, and always to my knees. If anything, I have been freed from completely emotional responses to most events, and find myself, through God's grace, calmly dealing with the perpetual silliness that is "real life".
When I first became a follower of Truth, my life was actually rather awesome. I lived in a nice house in a great part of DC, with an amazing woman who is still my friend today, and I had a job I absolutely loved. Through the world's eyes, nor even my own at the time, I did not "need" God. It was just that Truth was finally standing in front of me, and I had only had two choices, to acknowledge it but walk away, or embrace it with "Abba!, take me, make me yours".
Guess which one I made (O:
Becoming a Christian was actually the dumbest thing I ever did (at least in a worldly way). Any hopes of ever fitting in were just thrown out the door. No more living for myself, no more ignoring the pain of my "brothers and sisters", no more moral gray areas. Close friends went away, although some eventually came back. I also was given a clear view of all my darkest sins, and all the people I hurt over the years. I suddenly felt more isolated from the world I desperately wanted to be part of, not closer. Those first few months, even years, were so full of pain and doubt, but I now knew the Truth, and had no other choice but to follow Him out of that valley . . .and into the next.